Staying Calm

I really want to stay calm.  I promise that this is the truth.  I get up each morning determined to have a good day, but in the past 40 years I have found that determination is not enough.  Something always happens, and I am not a strong enough person to let it roll off my back.  Everything upsets me.  I don't watch the news because I get angry.  I can't even watch the weather portion of the news this time of year because I get angry that it still gets into the 90s in September in Tennessee!!  (Damn you, Al Gore!!)  I certainly don't watch the news networks because there isn't enough Librium in the world to keep me calm enough to handle the way they go on and on and on, especially one of them that I won't name since my husband loves it.  The cat makes me angry by scratching the furniture and cabinets.  Telemarketers call my house after my number has been added to the no-call list for 3 years.  Jackson doesn't want to eat, watch TV, clean up, or take a nap, so I have to lose it with him.  Did I mention I married the perfect man?  He's so perfect, in fact, that God decided he needed at least one flaw, so He made my hubby a Democrat.  Guess how that affects my mood during political discussions or election years!  I have to talk to someone from Charter at least every other day.  The appliances in my house are all dying or suffering from some debilitating disease. It's like there is a cosmic force greater than I which is working to keep my blood pressure up.  (It continues to be 135/95 after this wonderful day.)  I know some "know it alls" would say, "You just have to choose to be happy, and stop letting everything upset you."  Uh, Braniac, if I had that kind of self-control, then would I have smoked for 9 years, and would I be this fat now?????  Anyway, if anyone finds a magic cure for constant irritation, let me know REALLY soon.  If y'all don't, just say a nice prayer for me after you read this.  For now, I'll have a glass of Merlot and go kill some zombies with Jackson.  Try to have a good day.  Peace out!!!